More and more today we live in a world where everything is online. Meeting potential partners is easier with the online. And before the coronavirus pandemic with so many of having busy lives it seemed to be the best option. In a world of Grindr, TikTok, Tindr, OkCupid, and Snapchat, Yet how did we find ourselves in this moment of loneliness when the world is so intricately connected? In
I cannot speak for loneliness among cis heterosexual people. I can only speak from my experience and observation. Maybe we’ve arrived here partly due to a culture that honors things, money, material goods, over actual humanity, over hearts and souls, and their expression, over actual human connection. Maybe we riding to this realizations with the protesting and marches happening across the world.
In queer communities it’s easier to meet people online because well.. you can’t exactly approach someone of the same sex because it could very well be offensive to assume someone’s Sexuality. In many ways for heterosexual people it’s a lot easier to simply for instance, go out and meet someone in a public setting, without having to assume their sexuality. It assumed that the individual is straight. Cis heterosexuality is the cultural default.
When I say sexuality, It is in relation to what a person likes. To take a short detour, sexuality deals with what you are attracted to: men, women, trans women, Trans man, intersex, etc. Gender Which has been traditionally male or female, more and more today, it is used to express the ranges of identities, female, male, trans male, trans woman, non binary, agender, etc.
Now to loneliness,
often myself as a trans and queer person meeting individuals in the public space is difficult. Often the men who are attracted to me are afraid to speak, approach, and engage. And often heterosexual cisgendered men who desire tran women, trans bodies, are still too weighed down by societal and cultural norms and their fear, as well as their incomplete inner work, that would all them to act on their attraction to trans women.
For me Loneliness has shown up very vividly and very jarringly at times during this pandemic/quarantine. Having to spend time alone and social distance, Not having access to sexual and intimate connection, and mostly because of the need for safety, has shown a light deep into the shadows of my loneliness. My wounds have been unearthed more and more and more profoundly.
I began to see that there are different types of loneliness.
There is loneliness for community, loneliness for intimate platonic friendships/ soul tribe. And there is the one we feel quite often as single bodies moving through space and time, lonelinesss of intimate romantic connection/ sexual connection.
Sitting with my loneliness was and still feels like one of the toughest types of emotional work and healing work that I’ve had to do. This type of loneliness has brought feelings of despair, jealousy, anger, depression, and sadness. And also deep gratitude and joy.
When you come from a culture that teaches you that if you are single and don’t have a partner there maybe something in adequate about you, it almost becomes an obsession to find partnership, and often at the sacrifice of your identity, your boundaries, emotions, and spirit. Many of us come from a culture that also doesn’t teach us healing. It doesn’t teach us to process the trauma that come with being human.
I would argue takes courage to truly be single.
The courage comes in no longer sacrificing our needs as a person. The courage comes in continuing on the path that we have authentically found for ourselves and not straying from it. Courage comes because we will chose to be alone before giving our time, energy, and heart space, to someone who will not hold us in the fullness of who we are, those who do not have the capacity or will take in and dance with all of our beautiful colors as well as our shadow.
Meeting our divine masculines or our divine feminines, finding the spirits that have done the work seems difficult. As you do your own work it feels like you’re meeting more and more people who have not done their inner healing. And it’s not that there are more people, it is that now you’re recognizing the wounds and what they look like. But you also recognize, that inside, you are not meant to do the inner healing work for your partner. They have to come with a certain amount of inner work already done. There has to be a bar.
My journey into loneliness began about 5 years ago.
After being in a trauma bonded relationship, we both decided to part ways. We were both toxic to one another.
Trauma bonding is two people who attracted or choose to be with one another based on the similarities of woundings. For example this could be two people who bond and form a relationship because “their mothers were alcoholics and their fathers were abusers” forming the foundational reason for bonding, based on this shared history.
Since leaving that relationship five years ago I have remained single by choice. A major reason for this was because the pain that I endured and the pain that I caused in that relationship opened my eyes up to understanding that I needed to do shadow work. Serious fucking shadow work.
Our egos have the capacity to do some of the darkest and horrific things to our selves and in turn to others. The pain that I experienced in that relationship was some of the darkest. I learned that when we wound people we wound ourselves unknowningly, and it’s taken me 5 years to heal those wounds I caused.
I’m no longer in contact with this past partner. There was too much hurt to remain even friends. I honestly believe we were soul lessons. This was part of our karmic journey in this realm.
So 5 years later, I’ve remained single, and in my single-hood, loneliness has come on strong to the point of near despair. It been me asking myself, am I too feminine, am I too black, am I not female enough, am I not smart enough, am I not attractive enough? Am I too trans. It brought about the sorrow of “ will I ever meet someone who wants to be in a deep healing passionate loving partnership, someone who see me in my gender and the expression of it?” It has brought about intense cravings for sex and intimacy.
My love language is almost entirely “ touch”. My body enjoys the touch and physical contact of a partner. I enjoy kissing, heavily. Sure one could argue for the use of dating apps to satisfy temporary cravings, because yes, the desires come and then they leave. But when you are deep in your spiritual transformation, when what is alive and growing inside you, when the light you feel from the wounds you’ve been healing, shine so bright in your spirit, when you feel like you are in your purpose, causal sex cannot touch the profound level of what you crave: soul connection. For me this moves into the tantra, into the kundalini energies. What I crave is so absolutely sacred.
11 Ways of surrendering and working through intimate romantic loneliness.
1. Simply saying to yourself in that moment of craving and longing, and the sorrow associated with it, “ I surrender”. “ I surrender to this moment.”
2. Instead of avoiding the loneliness, the craving and the sorrow, say “ it’s normal to desire love, intimacy, and connection.”
3. Understand that you are worthy of love, touch, to be desired, to be wanted.
4. Continue to follow your path and remind yourself of all the moments that you have found beautiful, heart warming, and soul fulfilling, the places where you found healing.
5. Know that what you desire so deeply, it desires you just as deeply. What you are looking for is absolutely looking for you. What you crave, oh know! It craves you too!
6. Ask yourself how much of your ego is attached to this loneliness, the need for validation. The ego wants to constantly be fed validation, “ oh you’re so beautiful, your so this, your so that.” Egoic loneliness in my view moves out of authentic intimate loneliness. It only serves the outer superficial layer of our being, and often only the toxic and does not to feed the passionate fire of our soul.
7. You can try this mantra “ I accept my loneliness because I know what I truly desire, desires me. I will meet my soul connected partner, and when they arrive, I will be ready to accept and welcome them into my life.”
8. Know that it’s okay to be single and that it has absolutely nothing to do with your worth as human. All humans, trans, gay, heterosexual, short, tall, disabled, abled, have the intrinsic right to love, passion, and partnership.
9. Practice visualizing the partner that you want. What do they feel like? What do they smell like, where are you both at together? How does the connection between the two of you feel? Imagine it, visualize it. Manifest the soul connected partner you desire.
10. Consider again in what ways your, loneliness is your ego craving and attracted to something that might honestly be toxic to you and blocking you from finding true authentic partnership. Examine the emotions, thoughts, and the patterns.
11. Finally get to know your body intimately. Are there ways in which you can meet the pleasure you desire on your own? You may be surprised about how much intimate self pleasure you can create with yourself. Fall in love with your body. Learn where and what points on your body your able to satisfy. Develop a healthy sexual relationship with you and your body.
At times my heart aches for love. To be kissed and touched and cuddled. To have a partner to share the load with. To have a person who wants to do this thing called life with me. To sit with me and I with them in the toughest moments of life.
And yet surrendering to that ache, surrendering to that longing and pain has made my nights sweeter. It has made my heart softer, made me truly cherish each moment alone. Each day as I sit in meditation I speak to my heart. I speak to the truth inside me. The truth is that many part of this loneliness is a gift. It a gift to just be completely within myself. In my person unattached and open. The truth inside me is that despite many things, I see the beauty of my life dancing around me. I continue to have hope. Hope for my life. Hope for others. That they too find the love that they desire authentically.
May love find you in the most beautiful way. May is dance with you. May it hold you under moonlight sky. May it paint the stars with you. May it smile and laugh with you, giggle until both your stomachs hurt. And when moments as tough, difficult, may you both choose to stay. May you both continue to choose one another out of pure authentic love and soul connection.
Thank you kindred spirit for finding this space. I hope in each moment that I share my truths with you, you find something to exchange and discover your own inner magic.