Fear. My personal definition? It is many things.
I sit here on my last night in Mexico City and I sit in both my fear and my excitement for the future. I sit with this feeling inside of me that says ¨I wish I could know with out a doubt that everything is going to be alright¨and yet I have to trust¨. I have to simply trust that the Universe is holding me and guiding me.
As I sit here in Mexico City I grapple with fear. And for me lately it is many things. It’s this voice that says ¨Are you sure this is the right decision? I wish I could know that tomorrow and the next day and the next year were going to be okay. More than okay. Sometimes I have the idea of partnership as safety. Having another person here with me, then I wouldn’t be alone. But I know that this part of my journey is mine and mine alone.
Tomorrow I fly to Mazunte which is in the southern part of Mexico on the pacific coast. Ïm excited and nervous. Ill be there for 40 days. With myself. I think about how much I travel alone. I have those days when it is sooo much fun and then are those days when I would like company.
As I write this tonight is a full moon. I spoke with mother moon as full moons are for releasing and I said a prayer to her for many things. To release me from all the things holding me back along my journey. Honestly I would love for my finances to pick up. Finding online remote work is a bit of a challenge.
Mexico City? What is it like? It is many things. It a big city with great transportation.. Honestly I didn’t do a bunch. Again I don’t really like big cities. I visited their largest park and and walked around. I did go rollerskating. That was definitely a highlight. Roller skating is a passion for mine. I wish I brought my roller skates with me.
After 3 days of being in Mexico City I decided to go to a restaurant for the last night. It one of the warmer nights. Ive been feeling homes sick. Yet I don’t really feel like I have a physical home. When I sat down to order food my waitress was a really nice woman. She felt motherly. We made conversation in Spanish and she taught me how to say different phrases. She made me feel welcome in Mexico City.
Then there were the people who come by to play music. So many musicians. Such beautiful people. I dont enjoy all the music but what I enjoy is watching people play instruments. I enjoy watching this physical act of plucking strings or pressing keys translate into this beautiful sound. One thing you’ll find in Mexico is extreme poverty. A little girl came up to me while I ate selling little roses. I didn’t buy them, but later when I was walking back to my airbnb I saw her with her family, her mother, brother, another small infant child and her father. I saw them and I couldn’t help but buy the roses. They were nice ones. Red and white. They made a nice addition to my airbnb room.
All my life Ive been searching for something and really it has been this deep spiritual existence. It is like this thing, this voice that has been calling me. Since I was a small child something in my spirit wanted to get out and experience the world. I think that my spirit from the time I was born knew that one day I would need to travel. That I would go looking to remember, to realign, to understand my place in the Universe.
What are my fears. Sometimes it is whether or not I am going to have enough money. If Ill ever meet a partner that I can build a life with. If my mother is going to be okay, and my siblings, if Íll be able to travel like I truly want? If I´ll be able to buy a home or a place so that I can put my stuff and come home to something beautiful?
Sometimes I fear my gifts. Am I the healer that say I am? Do I carry the gift to help others realize their existence? Can I make this a true living? Then I worry about the future. Will I have money when Im older and retired? Will I still be able to travel then? Or how will I pay off all these student loans? #studentloancrisis. Will leaving my job as a nurse hurt my prospects of gaining employment in the future?
Corona Virus is in full swing in the media. Everyone is in fear and on alert. There is all this social distancing and mass hysteria. And yet in all that fear, in all my inner chaos, I manage to step outside my ego, outside the parts of me that fear essentially death, and with a deep breath in and out, I release. I let go. Whatever is not for me. I allow it to fall way, to reset beautifully and gently somewhere else, for someone else, who needs it for their journey.
If I die, I die. If I lose or miss out on certain things then it wasnt for me. So it is and I move on. I detach myself from the need to cling. I allow the universe to flow. I allow consciousness to flow and to lead me.
So this is my journey, to love, to being more free, to being less afraid, to moving deeper into my spiritual journey. To be okay with being alone until I meet someone who I feel nourishes me just as much as I would like to nourish them.
To beginning my life’s work.